Maybe I Should Just Kill Myself

You don’t have to be grown to go

I could have died so long befo’

What would be on your mind, if you knew you was dyin

I would wanna just feel this one more time…  -G.B.

 

Microphones on, i’m in my zone

But the rooms so empty nobody’s home

I speak in a tone, deep baritone

Feelin all alone, what if I was gone

Gone to a place, my names been erased

Tired of this race and the talk about race

Can’t keep pace, most can’t relate

I’m in a blank place, in outter space

You can’t get high even with a ladder

Ask me why I smoke, does it really matter

Exit my mind, feelin just fine

Everyday tryin, tired of all the lyin

I wanna be a star and not Jackson or Spears

The star that goes to Liberia and wipes away tears

The star that goes to Somalia and cancels all fears

More passion than most going on 24 years

Years is a relative fuction of math

Most of us don’t really know what we have

Depending on money that don’t exist

The feds control everything while we just sit

Shit, I guess life really aint legit

Cause I can kill a deer and it aint commit

But if I kill a human then it aint acquit

I QUIT, cause all humans wanna do is get

Yeah I’m gonna say it, thank GOD for cancer

Cause if life is the question then DEATH is the answer

Humans think the universe revolves around us

The truth is the universe involves without us

Made up troubles and made up pains

On the big scale of thangs aint no human brains

My brains tell me we the ultimate disease

We aint appeased unless we squeeze our seed

Like Bees, lookin for the next flower

But every one of us gonna have a final hour

We smoke our weed to try and stimulate

If you leave it with me and see stems, you late

Cause later on man I aint gonna be sober

And the older that I get the more I hate order

You can call it depression if you really wanna

I call it oppression that you really want me under

All of this religion and all of this hate

People get mad when you don’t take the bait

I’m in a blank place, in outter space

Can’t keep pace, most can’t relate

Tired of this race and the talk about race

Gone to a place, my names been erased

Feelin all alone, what if I was gone

I speak in a tone, deep baritone

But the rooms so empty nobody’s home

Microphones on, i’m in my zone

 

I would never kill myself, never has been an option and I hope it never will be.  Suicide in my opinion is cheap and a complete act of ignorance.  Truthfully though, if it weren’t for the title of this post most of you wouldn’t be reading.  I question friendship sometimes and wonder if it really is.  Even friends want you around just to feel better about themselves.  That way they can brag about what it is that makes them tick.  I find it funny that the idea of death consumes us.  For some it is their greatest fear, but at the same time it is life’s only guarantee.  A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles.  Structurally, there’s no discernible difference.  Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts.  Why should I be concerned?  I think the human race is a race that is lost within itself.  We tend not to see beyond our boundaries.  Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.  What if I’ve walked across the sun?  What if I’ve seen events so tiny and so fast they hardly can be said to have occurred at all?  You on the other hand… you are a man.  And this world’s smartest man means no more than does its smartest termite.  We’re all puppets.  What happens if I’m a puppet who can see the strings?  We live off people while insulting them.  Thermo-dynamic miracles… events with odds so astronomical they’re effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold.  I long to observe such a thing.  And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter… Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold… that is the crowning unlikelihood.  The thermo-dynamic miracle.  I realize some people will think I am a basket case after reading this.  Assuming of course anyone even cares what I think.  Regardless, the ones of you that do read this far, thank you and hopefully this isn’t over your head.

Last but not least, this is a good post.  READ IT.

Postscript

Go see or read The Watchmen…

-X

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