Pt. 2 (Thought Without Words)
Still free falling with my sanity tightly gripped.
Why should I put off until tomorrow what I can accomplish today? Because today I will spend all my time crying.
I’m trying to understand the concept of obsession and the role of depression. I don’t know how much I turn people off because of what I say and how I say it. I find it strange that people don’t like to look at the world in a unconventional manner. How can I sleep when my mind is consumed with thoughts developing at a rate beyond comprehension? Whenever I wake I am immediately aware of myself, there is no moment of grogginess or confusion. I awake still consumed with trying to piece together content. I don’t feel I need to fault anything for me not being able to silence my mind, I accept it as it comes. This is not a good or bad thing but a thing of necessity in order for me to develop into something greater.
Not many will read this or listen to me because my words bring an aura of loneliness and lost hope, things people run away from. I don’t understand why they flea. I challenge thought and I get truth and knowledge from it every day. Even those who do read and listen don’t find me in my own words. They find something in the past that they can connect my words to. I hesitate to say I sound like anyone from the 17th or 18th century. I prefer not to be compared to any particular movement written in the history books.
Is it possible to open the mind’s floodgates without drowning? I have been stuck out at sea for some time now and my boat is barely hanging on. If I do make it through these waves I am afraid the island I find will only be filled with another consumer of my mind. It’s hard to think this much and not feel helpless along with a constant vague feeling of depression. Although now I don’t know if I would even classify it as depression but more an emptiness of emotion. There is no happy and there is no sad. There is no love and there is no hate. All of those emotions are instead replaced with an understanding. No one can see into the future that is just silly. But just like a science there can be predictions made with emotions. My hypothesis is death.
Reason, logic, creation, death, mind, reality, thought, free will, good, evil, why, government, justice, education, knowledge, soul: All the things that will inevitably destroy the fabric of my mind.
We construct all of these things in order to keep our society structured but the thinker attempts to break these structures down. None of these things can soften the blow that is felt when all is realized.
I could condition myself to smile, work and raise a family the rest of my life, marching happily in the middle of the parade. I choose not. I will leave the parade, play my own tune and wait for others to come listen. That is dangerous. Anything that seeks to apply the brakes to the moving train is a threat. Revolution has never been concerned about the dangers only the outcome.
Every great star will explode.
We all have a question of how or why. Whether we be religious or ‘logical’, we have a question. Some people question why the birds fly. Some people question why the sun sets. Some people question why their car won’t start. Some people question what major to take. Some people question where to shop for clothes. Some people question what country to move to. Some people question whether they should drink water or bathe with it.. or both. Some people question if they should take their food. Some people question if they should kill their food. Some people question if they should kill for their food. Some people question if these people should kill for their food. Some people question if these people should be punished for killing for their food. Some people question what these people should think. Some people question if the uranium is rich enough. Some people question whether you deserve to live. Some people question if they deserve to live… As a person, a human person, I question things because I feel there should be an answer or at least a reason. The need to discover the unknown. The situations we find ourselves in everyday constantly result in a question. When waking up in the morning, the question of should I get up? Although many things we develop a habit for and no longer question. It is just the routine. But at the core of all our intellectual and educational thoughts is a question. Scientists ask questions of their maths or their chemicals. Engineers ask questions of their materials and wires. Teachers ask questions of their students. Doctors ask questions of their patients. I ask questions of my mind.
Gotta stop trying to be everything
HUMILITY
If I held the key to the box that contained truth who would I tell? I ask myself instead, why would I tell anyone? Is it hard to hold your own understanding? For me it is. So much to say but so much judgment is waiting. SAY IT ANYWAY. That is the cry I always hear. I know that isn’t what I should obey.
Bruce Lee would talk about the art of fighting without fighting. Abraham Lincoln would talk about holding your tongue so that you don’t prove you’re and idiot. That is the gift I want to receive. I feel this is a gift given by silence. MUTE. If your understanding doesn’t register with the masses then their eyes begin to stare.
SILENCE
Poetry not HIPHop
Every step calculated. Calibrated
to Get the most elation
Celebrations for the epiphany
But when I try to tell em it’s too much about me
So I flee trying to keep the mind occupied
But behind doors I find sores that love to reopen
Gotta keep floatin hoping the songs will find me
And behind me they will stand
Holding love in their hands
Not consumed with selfishness
A fight for the opinions that hold all the dominion
I don’t know what to say
Thought a couple lines would be okay
But that just got in the way
Ruined your day, but I pray
…I can slow down
Sometimes it is hard to know what you mean, especially when the meaning is what inspires you.
-x
