I glad that I kept working.

Not to long ago I began feeling defeated.  Applying for a bunch of jobs, and not hearing back from hardly any got me thinking, “Maybe, I’m just not good enough.”  This attitude is a defeatist attitude, and defeat is what comes of it.  I would never be here today, If I didn’t ignore people who said my dreams would never happen.  Since I started on this journey of art and video games, I was many times made fun of.  I’m not sure if it was because people doubted me, or didn’t have any dreams of their own.  I was very lucky to have a select few friends who helped me along the way.  If it wasn’t for them I don’t think I could have done it.  A dream and career is a great thing, but without being surrounded by people who love you, it’s nothing.

I have found a few things I would like to share with you guys at this point.  First, I’d like to talk about moving from one side of the country to the other.  It’s quite different than I expected.  First of all I drove 2,000 miles here.  It was a fun dive, although I had to keep my mind of the miles and try to enjoy the dive.  when you’ve been driving for 8 hours, and keep looking at the mile markers one by one, it tends to make the drive less fun.  Also, I had the luxary of staying with some of my parents friends.  Take advantage of this if you get the chance.  Staying at a real home, rather than a hotel on a 4 day drive makes things feel much more normal.  I stayed at 3 places along the way, two nights at friends houses, and one at the hotel.  One of my stops was in Gorman, Tx.  My friend owns a cattle and horse ranch.  I spent the day working on various farm tasks, and had a bunch of fun.  It was great to relax and soak in the country side, while still accomplishing tasks.  It was a great break from driving.  The night I stayed at the hotel was just lonely, dark, and cold.  I felt alone.

Once I got to Las Vegas, everything seemed so new.  The mountains, sky, the city!  It was like I was a 3 year old again.  I still love being able to see the mountains from almost every point in the city. (as Las Vegas is surrounded by mountains)  Also, the strip is visible from nearly everywhere.  I’ve been down to the strip three times.  Each one left me more amazed.  Not just the sounds, booze, and typical downtown things, but the artfulness of downtown.  Two of the times downtown I wasn’t even drinking, just walking around the casinos and enjoying the architechture.  I haven’t got two see half of the strip yet!  One thing that left me flabbergasted was the Fountain at the Bellagio.  A water fountain show to music!  It was amazing.

The worst thing so far was apartment shopping.  For the first 2 weekends I was here I spent most of my time driving from apt to apt looking at the model home and getting pricing information.  Exhausting.  Although I didn’t want to sign a lease in a place where I wouldn’t like living after a month.  I wanted something nice, but not overly expensive.  I found a few places in my price range, but most were over what I was willing to pay.  I ended up signing at a place about 300 yards from work.  I move in monday!  Whats great about this, is I want to get a mountain bike.  I can ride my bike to work, save gas, and ride the bike at the nearby mountain trails. (maybe a mile from the house.)  I could even walk to work!  I’m excited about not having to drive 15-20 minutes to work each day.  If I spent that hour drawing instead, I’d be a pro in no time.  haha.  I’m glad I spend some time looking for apartments, but i’m really glad that I’ve selected on and don’t have to worry about it.

Friendships.  It’s hard to put this into writing, but I’m really glad to be making new friends.  Not that I don’t like my old friends, but meeting new people who have similar interests and passion is really nice.  The old model of some of my friends fitting in this shell, and knowing there every move has disappeared.  I’m just getting to know the people at work, and it’s such a exciting thing.  It helps that everyone at work is really friendly.  Also, we go out to lunch a lot.  It’s been good to get to know some of them and hangout with them after work.  I miss my old friends.  I really do, but at the same time I know when I come back to visit it’s going to be really exciting.  I hope some of them get to come visit me out here.

For now, thats a good wrap up of the first 3 weeks.  The last thing I want to say is that I’ve been doing a bunch of figure drawing sessions with the other artists at work.  Here are a few of my favorites.

I really want to be apart of the game industry and  I understand how hard it is to get in, but one thing that really peeves me is the interview process. Currently, I have had 4 interviews with the game/film industry ranging from single call backs to three phone interviews.  The process really can be quite nerve racking.  Some of the companies kept leading me on saying, “oh yes, you are still being considered.” but then never called me back to tell me they have chosen someone else.  I’m not sure if this is how interviewing has always been, but it just seems wrong.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to cope with the depression that comes from not getting the jobs I’ve interviewed for, thinking that I’m not good enough, that they didn’t like me personally,  or I wasn’t a good interviewer.  It’s tough on me, it creates a lot of stress.

As I type, I am waiting to hear back from a company.  I have had more than a couple phone interviews that went well, and seem to be going as I would like, but I just hate this period of waiting.  I understand that a phone call away could land me my dream job, but at the same time my other interviews ended just as quickly as they started.  This tends to send me into depression.  I’m unable to concentrate, nothing seems to be in color, and I just keep thinking I’ll never be good enough.  I hate that.  I’m hard enough on myself as it is, I don’t want to make it worse.  I guess that’s why I’m here.  It seems to make things better.  It gets my mind off of something that I’m really concerned about.  I guess I just need to be more patient.  Man, this sucks.

Still free falling with my sanity tightly gripped.

Why should I put off until tomorrow what I can accomplish today?  Because today I will spend all my time crying.

I’m trying to understand the concept of obsession and the role of depression.  I don’t know how much I turn people off because of what I say and how I say it.  I find it strange that people don’t like to look at the world in a unconventional manner.  How can I sleep when my mind is consumed with thoughts developing at a rate beyond comprehension?  Whenever I wake I am immediately aware of myself, there is no moment of grogginess or confusion.  I awake still consumed with trying to piece together content.   I don’t feel I need to fault anything for me not being able to silence my mind, I accept it as it comes.  This is not a good or bad thing but a thing of necessity in order for me to develop into something greater.

Not many will read this or listen to me because my words bring an aura of loneliness and lost hope, things people run away from.  I don’t understand why they flea.  I challenge thought and I get truth and knowledge from it every day.  Even those who do read and listen don’t find me in my own words.  They find something in the past that they can connect my words to.  I hesitate to say I sound like anyone from the 17th or 18th century.  I prefer not to be compared to any particular movement written in the history books.

Is it possible to open the mind’s floodgates without drowning?  I have been stuck out at sea for some time now and my boat is barely hanging on.  If I do make it through these waves I am afraid the island I find will only be filled with another consumer of my mind.  It’s hard to think this much and not feel helpless along with a constant vague feeling of depression.  Although now I don’t know if I would even classify it as depression but more an emptiness of emotion.  There is no happy and there is no sad.  There is no love and there is no hate.  All of those emotions are instead replaced with an understanding.  No one can see into the future that is just silly.  But just like a science there can be predictions made with emotions.  My hypothesis is death.

Reason, logic, creation, death, mind, reality, thought, free will, good, evil, why, government, justice, education, knowledge, soul:  All the things that will inevitably destroy the fabric of my mind.

We construct all of these things in order to keep our society structured but the thinker attempts to break these structures down.  None of these things can soften the blow that is felt when all is realized.

I could condition myself to smile, work and raise a family the rest of my life, marching happily in the middle of the parade.  I choose not.  I will leave the parade, play my own tune and wait for others to come listen.  That is dangerous.  Anything that seeks to apply the brakes to the moving train is a threat.  Revolution has never been concerned about the dangers only the outcome.

Every great star will explode.

We all have a question of how or why.  Whether we be religious or ‘logical’, we have a question.  Some people question why the birds fly.  Some people question why the sun sets.  Some people question why their car won’t start.  Some people question what major to take.  Some people question where to shop for clothes.  Some people question what country to move  to.  Some people question whether they should drink water or bathe with it.. or both.  Some people question if they should take their food.  Some people question if they should kill their food.  Some people question if they should kill for their food.  Some people question if these people should kill for their food.  Some people question if these people should be punished for killing for their food.  Some people question what these people should think.  Some people question if the uranium is rich enough.  Some people question whether you deserve to live.  Some people question if they deserve to live…  As a person, a human person, I question things because I feel there should be an answer or at least a reason.  The need to discover the unknown.  The situations we find ourselves in everyday constantly result in a question.  When waking up in the morning, the question of should I get up?  Although many things we develop a habit for and no longer question.  It is just the routine.  But at the core of all our intellectual and educational thoughts is a question.  Scientists ask questions of their maths or their chemicals.  Engineers ask questions of their materials and wires.  Teachers ask questions of their students.  Doctors ask questions of their patients.  I ask questions of my mind.

Gotta stop trying to be everything

HUMILITY

If I held the key to the box that contained truth who would I tell?  I ask myself instead, why would I tell anyone?  Is it hard to hold your own understanding?  For me it is.  So much to say but so much judgment is waiting.  SAY IT ANYWAY.  That is the cry I always hear.  I know that isn’t what I should obey.

Bruce Lee would talk about the art of fighting without fighting.  Abraham Lincoln would talk about holding your tongue so that you don’t prove you’re and idiot.  That is the gift I want to receive.  I feel this is a gift given by silence.  MUTE.  If your understanding doesn’t register with the masses then their eyes begin to stare.

SILENCE

Poetry not HIPHop

Every step calculated. Calibrated

to Get the most elation

Celebrations for the epiphany

But when I try to tell em it’s too much about me

So I flee trying to keep the mind occupied

But behind doors I find sores that love to reopen

Gotta keep floatin hoping the songs will find me

And behind me they will stand

Holding love in their hands

Not consumed with selfishness

A fight for the opinions that hold all the dominion

I don’t know what to say

Thought a couple lines would be okay

But that just got in the way

Ruined your day, but I pray

…I can slow down

Sometimes it is hard to know what you mean, especially when the meaning is what inspires you.

-x

I’ve practically been doing the same few things.  Driving, drinking tea, going to the beach, reading books, drawing, taking photos, thinking, loving.  In the past few days I’ve been at Key West.  I’ve had a great time here with my girlfriend.  We’ve done a whole bunch of things and also nothing at the same time.  I’ve been reading “Walden” by Thoreau and “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert Pirsig.  Needless to say, I’ve probably been doing more thinking than reading.  It’s taking me a while to get thourgh these books because in part, the heaviness and also the fact that I’m probably absorbing these books more than any books i’ve read lately.  I definately want to dedicate a whole post to these books, but for now will stop at that.

I’ve also been drawing a bunch.  I’m trying to get inspired by doing, because lately I haven’t felt so enthusiastic about my art.  I feel like I should go back to school if I wanted to do it, but also know in my heart that school has nothing to do with it.  I guess at the same time I have other talents which I want to perfect.  Since I bought an iPad, I’ve been drawing more.  I bought the Autodesk Sketchbook app,  and it’s great!  If your interested, check a few of them out.

“house in key west”

“Dove on a Post”

“Cocks!”

“Back Yard”

“Blue Moon with Cezanne”

“Apt’s and Sky”

“DJ J”

“Paradise”

I’ve been learning the shading language CG, and going through “The CG Tutorial.”  I have been learning a lot of math lately which is definitely not my strong suit, but and getting better every day.  I don’t really have anything to show right now, but will shortly.  Hopefully some cool stuffs going to get developed from this.

That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing the past week, as for the last month, and since college…Thats a whole different post!

No need for a disclaimer.

Maybe it’s strange but I woke up this morning and my first thought was, “I can’t take this anymore.”  I wanted to get out of bed, walk outside and use a grip.  A death grip… literally.  I wanted to use a grip meant for taking a life, reach up and grip two parts of the atmosphere and pull.  When I woke up this morning I wanted nothing more than to stick my head beyond the nitrogen, oxygen and argon that protect us from the ultraviolet and stare stellar evolution in the face.  I wanted my arms, which are barely capable of lifting 50 pounds each, to take the moon and push it aside.  When my circadian rhythm no longer held me in a state of unconsciousness I stood and wanted to hold my breath and walk until I found the first bend in the universe.

It becomes increasingly difficult to stay sane and grounded when everything that this planet throws at you daily begs you, even encourages you, to lose it…

I don’t know a lot about history and I know even less about the importance of needing to know about history, therefore I am not going to talk about either.  Instead I am going to talk about MY life this far and what MY experiences have taught ME.  I could easily start ranting about epistemology and empiricism.  I could even, if I wanted to be more precise, recapitulate the great words of John Locke, Francis Bacon, Thomas Hobbes, David Hume or Ibn Tufail.  Unfortunately, their words however great are useless to me because they do not speak to MY experience.  This is not to make you believe or think words from history have no significance in my life, because they do.  What I hope to do is express MY own truth through what has been the case for me.  I want to express the things that I have found to manifest themselves during my short time in this human fun house.  I don’t know if this sounds convoluted or maybe just too self-involved but if I can’t speak to you from my own experience then I might as well not speak (this gives me an idea of something I want to try).

For most it is more satisfying to be heard then to listen.

If there is no truth in human connections then why are we always pulled close to friends?  Within just the last year alone I have formed friendships that I hate to know will probably have to end.  I have also resurrected friendships that I forgot were so great.  Each has shown me that in this life love and truth mean nothing if you don’t have someone to experience them with.

But I will admit I hate hearing people talk about their relationship problems with their significant other.  There is never nothing new with these problems and never a new resolution.  How about you try to stop complaining about dumb shit and make it work.  If you both really feel your committed relationship is that big of a deal then stop complaining about the text messages he/she sent you last night (or the text message that wasn’t sent) and make it work.  What is the worth of a relationship with another grown ass adult if you can’t reach a sensible agreement?  Another thing I have noticed when I hear ‘girlfriends’ and ‘boyfriends’ whine about their problems is that the problems, once unearthed, aren’t problems at all, in fact most of the time I have no idea what either of the two sides are really upset about.  People try to stay in any relationship I guess for the sake of not wanting to be lonely when they are older.  That is awesome and I think it is an incredible thing when two people last until death do them under, but please for my sake if you are gonna complain about a relationship problem at least have one.  Beyond that, ask yourself do you want to be with that person and if the answer is yes then shut up and deal with it!  After all, you want to be with that person…

I still see no benefit in political parties except if the benefit is further divisions.  If you are anti-abortion then call yourself anti-abortion.  If you are pro gay marriage then say you are pro gay marriage.  If you are pro war, guns and blowing up everything that disagrees with you then say it.  If you believe the best ways to fix every economic problem is by adding more 000’s to the already exaggerated number on the computer screen then say you are like everyone else and don’t know shit about this thing we have built called the economy.  For me though… and I’m just saying, for me… I see no benefit in trying to take all of these characteristics and crunch them inside a box called democrat or crunch them inside a box called republican.  Too many of the actors in Washington are dedicated to their political party (the thing that has a grip on their throat and determines what they must say when a mic or camera is near) before they are dedicated to their duty.  The really disappointing part is most Americans seem to love it and think every political topic has to be Ok’d by their party.  I don’t want to hear a damn thing from any political party because I have yet to find a political issue that is 100% concrete.

Atheists and believers need to stop comparing cup sizes because they both have the same content.  Both sides are simply obsessed with religion and neither is adding to the human experience by constantly bickering.  How about you try being content with what works for you.  You’ll live happier that way.  Using forms of (inductive) logic to argue why God is not real could possibly be the dumbest thing I have ever got to witness.  In the same sense trying to explain what God thinks and why he allows things like the events in Haiti to happen is just as dumb.  If a God does exist, you have no idea or capacity to even begin to fathom its knowledge.

Why is everyone competing to die?

I keep telling myself to not be so selfish but I can’t help but wonder if it is really selfishness that I am exhibiting.  I have been thinking about an old writing of mine.  I stressed in this writing my constant want to make everyone around me happy and thoughtful about themselves.  I feel that I constantly go beyond my means to help people feel positive about who they are and what they believe.  This has come to be what some would consider beneficial to me in the sense that because of this I tend to easily make friends and come off as a very personable person.  But this is my struggle.  The connections I make with people are always deep because I always pour so much of myself into every contact.  This started to drain on me a few years back because I didn’t always feel I had something to fill me up once I had given so much.  I started feeling better however when I realized I did have a few good friends in my life.  So now I am wondering why that empty gut feeling is coming back to me?  Why am I struggling now to find comfort?  I think it comes down to losing so many of those connections through time.  When you spend a year or two of your life enjoying the comfort of and talks with another person and really put all the emotion you are capable of mustering up into those talks along with actually beginning to define who you are based on that relationship, it hurts when you realize it’s all about to be over.  Sometimes I wish it wasn’t part of my nature to give myself to so many.  WOW, I have no idea what I am talking about and I have even less of an idea if this is really what I am trying to say.  So, I will attempt to make this easier.

Some people have come into my life that have changed me and molded me into something I wasn’t before.  It’s easy for me to give myself but it isn’t easy for me to change myself.  So when a person comes along that can make me wake up different then how I was when I went to sleep, I pay attention to that.  Those few people that bring this out in me, I want them to be successful and happy in every aspect of their life so that maybe they can feel a bit of the joy I feel when I am with them.  When I feel a person isn’t at that point of joy and even more so when I can’t make them realize their individual greatness I start to panic and put too much of that on myself.  It’s not that I spend much of my time worrying about every person I meet, only the people in my life that I have come to love and come to enjoy myself most around.  I get SO frustrated when these people don’t get the best out of everything and once again even worse when I realize I can’t give it to them.  Enter the selfishness.  Why do I feel or put these emotions on myself?   Is it selfishness or me expecting too much out of these relationships?  Some people might say that I am just thinking way too much.  Either way, what I do know is that these emotions are real and not something I have ever been without.  Interesting though, the older I get the stronger these connections tend to be.  It could also be as simple as me needing to accept change as it comes.  I do hope though that every one of these individuals that have captured me takes with them the understanding of how much they meant to me.

I try not to meditate on it too much but I know one day I am going to get the news that a person close to my heart and mind is no longer here.  I know that every breath I take is a breath closer to a grave that is deep and never ending.  I always ask myself how I will digest the news that someone so close to me is no longer able to help me figure out myself.  This entire thing called life is an experiment in trying to gain an understanding of yourself and creation.

Ever ask yourself what is any of this and what the hell all of it is worth?  Could the answer be selfishness?  It seems only right.  Unfortunately selfishness has always had a strong ring of negativity so nobody cares to ever associate it with their self.  If selfishness is seen to only mean putting one’s needs above the needs of everyone else then I can understand the negative association.  What about wanting to help?  What about wanting to be happy (the meaning of life to an overwhelming amount of people)?  Could any of those things not be considered selfish?  After all, all those wants and desires ultimately derive from self.

As big of a role culture and society plays in shaping a person’s personality any open minded individual has to understand creating your own understanding is essential to living.  Through all of my questioning of what life is, who am I and what does it all mean, I have found nobody has an answer that will satisfy me except me.  Even if you are given advice you still have to take that advice and apply it to your own personal truth.  Selfishness…  But where is the wrong in that?  If I have to listen to the voices in my head I might as well enjoy what they’re saying.

Find yourself a table and throw a hand full of salt on top of it.  Now, take one grain of that salt and place it on your finger tip.  That grain of salt represents a magnified look at where we stand in our galaxy.  Next, get millions of other tables and place them around you and repeat.  Hopefully you don’t run out of salt.  Finally, look at that grain of salt on your finger tip and then look around you at the universe of other tables with all the other grains of salt… Get the picture?  Sorry but I gotta do me…

A dictatorship could possibly be incredible if the dictator was benevolent.

A democracy could possibly be horrible if the people don’t exercise or understand their power.

It’s weird to look around and see everyone staring at and connected to a hand held computer chip.  Almost all human contact is virtual now.  We define ourselves through pictures and text on magical screens.  Sometimes this makes me want to take a walk through the forest ALONE.  Nature is always alive and never artificial.

Which came first money or happiness?  Which will survive?

-x

http://shawnkirsch.com/stuff/sketchcards/

I’m working on the faces…

Who am I and why am I here?  I have always believed this is a question that everyone ponders at least once in their lifetime.  Lately this has changed.  I now believe this is THE question that everyone ponders.  The human need to know who we are and why we are here has caused us to create many answers.  What are the answers?  Which answer is true?  Are any of the answers true?  How do we know if they are or are not true?

When you take into account the size of the entire universe our planet has no meaning or purpose at all, let alone the life on our planet.  But of course we couldn’t take into account the size of the entire universe, because we can’t actually grasp what that size is.

All of this has to have a meaning, right?  Why else would we be alive, thinking, breathing, eating, loving and creating if there were no meaning?  Is that meaning God?  Is God the reason we do anything?  Yes?  Then the next question would be which God are you talking about?  Or maybe I should say (g)od…

The journey to prove a god exists and the journey to prove a god doesn’t exist is like having two NASCAR drivers race without a finish.  They continuously go around and around a track with neither ever winning.  They’re driving different cars with different engines, but both are on the same course.

I feel as though many people who claim no belief in a god are actually claiming a belief in no God.  That is, a lack of belief in a particular god.  For example… the God in the monotheistic religions Judaism, Christianity and Islam.  This particular God gets more shit from non-believers than any other God in our modern time.  With over half the world’s population (estimated 3.5 billion+) practicing one of these monotheistic religions it makes the most sense these religions get the most criticism from non-believers.  What exactly is the debate?  Is it that there is no possible scientific way Genesis is accurate?  Of course using a book compiled and written by other humans to justify the reality of a God is understandably irrational.  It’s just as irrational as using Greek mythology to prove that Zeus threw lightning with his hands.  But, does it need to be rational?  Why is it rational to believe everything we know and see came from one extremely dense location that suddenly expanded some 14 billion years ago?  That is only a belief that the majority of the scientific community views as the most feasible idea for the creation of the universe, based on ‘tests’ of course.  In contrast, those who practice the monotheistic religions believe with absolute certainty that their God is real and all they have to go on is faith.  Is it that we can digest a theory because it is in some ways measurable but we can’t digest the ‘feeling’ religious people have because science has no way of measuring that feeling?  Then there is also the issue of evolution, which is supported by VERY strong evidence and completely debunks the Adam and Eve creation story. Hmmm.  It’s easy to take something that is written and use science to disprove it on our physical level.

If Judaism, Christianity and Islam are religions that believe in the same God, then why are they labeled as different religions?  Why do they all read from different combinations of similar books?  This one God that they all believe in, does he want a label put on the way he is worshiped and viewed?  Out of the 34,000 or so denominations of Christianity, which is the best or purists?  They are all interpretations of the same stuff.  Aren’t they?  If the history of what you practice isn’t fully understood, then how do you know what it is that you are practicing?  What this all comes around to, is nobody knows who they are worshipping or even if they are worshipping this ‘who’ the correct way…

If an Atheist is to say someone shouldn’t believe in a god, they should also explain which god they are talking about and what the reasoning is for not believing.  If you take away all of the writings and stories handed down over time there is really no evidence an atheist has against the existence of a god except we haven’t found one yet.  The big bang possibly explaining the creation of our universe doesn’t mean that this creation rules out the workings of a god.  Maybe the big bang resulted from the hand clap of a god.  I say this assuming you believe the big bang is how it all began.  I try hard not to give this possible god human characteristics.  That would be like trying to describe the smell of a leprechaun or the taste of fried Tianlong meat.  I’ve never seen a god nonetheless focused on one’s characteristics and features.

Sorry, but I have to ask… what is a god?  Are humans so self-centered and consumed with their self-appointed superiority in the universe that we have allowed ourselves to create a single idea of what a god is to be like?  This means an ultimate force that resides over everything or a force that has some power to control and manipulate things.  If this is the case then it could be argued we all believe in some form of god on a certain level.  Whether or not it’s only mythological, we still have created this idea of god.  The WE I am referring to in this case is the entire human race, instead of WE meaning you and me as thinking individuals.  Could there not be a small possibility of something completely outside our understanding that had a say so in the way everything is?  Maybe even a .1% of a chance there was something?  Is the fact that we haven’t detected it with our instruments, tools or 5 senses enough reason to say without a doubt that there is no god (something) out there?  I think that too is irrational.  The back and forth dialogue, “there is no god.” “prove it.” “you prove there is.” is absolutely retarded.  They are both the same.  Of course you can’t prove something if you don’t know what you are trying to prove and you can’t disprove something if you don’t know what you are trying to disprove.  As I said both sides are constantly trying to prove or disprove a particular idea of god and I think it is just pointless on both ends.

Throughout our human history we have created stories, creatures and other things to try and explain who we are and why we are here.  In this case, WE can be us as individuals or the entire human race.  As individuals we do have our own understandings of why we are here.  As an entire human race we all have an understanding of why we are here.  I don’t know wtf i’m saying …  Anyway, that understanding of why we are here could possibly be that we are here for no purpose at all.  That we are simply atoms and other universal particles placed together in such a perfect form that we have gained consciousness, but that ultimately none of us are really alive.  It is true that if we were able to break ourselves down bit by bit one atom at a time, we would cover the same amount of space and be exactly the same but without our consciousness.  Nobody, I am sure, is willing to give this a try, but we needn’t to because our bodies do that for us.  It’s called death.  For some reason we all die but we don’t change physically, our bodies are the same.  It’s our mind that shuts down leaving our body in a state of stagnation and allowing all our little pieces to go on to become dirt or dust in the bottom of a box.

Is it death that we are looking to explain or is it life?  Life could be said to be even more interesting than death.  Having something that breaks down to a dusty form and having something created from what most would view as much of nothing (sperm and egg) are extremely contrasting.  When we are born we receive this special spark of something that kick starts our system, and then eventually grants us conscious thoughts.  If this life we’re given is a miracle, then what happens to that spark when we die?  Is our consciousness even all that great?  If we compare our brain’s computing power to that of other living things around us on this planet then of course we would have to see ourselves as something special.  This takes me back to the idea of exactly how incredibly large our universe is…  which even a fraction of a fraction of the universe’s size makes our brain’s computing power look like nothing more than a single spark on the surface of the sun, and that’s being generous.  We live and die because of the way things are structured in the world around us.  If a man is hit by a stray bullet and he bleeds to death, the actual event of his death is easily explained through science and there is no more reason necessary to explain it.  It’s called exsanguination.  The problem we have with this comes from the consciousness we have developed.  If you take steel and form it in a way that it is able to hurl a projectile at a high enough speed making it able to pierce skin, then it would damage organs and veins.  Why wouldn’t you expect that, in enough time, the person hit by this projectile would ultimately bleed to death?  Instead, when these types of things happen we look for a reason beyond ourselves to explain why.  Why do people die?  Why does an innocent man sitting and having a cup of coffee get hit by a stray bullet and die?  What is the reason we need to know why?  The ‘why’ is not important in any of it.  There is no why.  Nothing caused this to happen.  This is the same as with a person sickened by cancer.  There is an answer to why this happens that science has already explained for us and there is nothing more beyond it.  What humans do is look for a reason as to why death has to happen.  Does it matter how a person dies?  If a 100 year old lady dies after living a life that would be said to have been good, does anyone question why she died?  It’s obvious her age finally got the best of her particles.  We search for reasoning to explain the things we don’t wish to happen.

Is this lack of ability to cope with death the reason over time we have developed different ideas of religion and what cause us to be here and have thoughts?  Do we really care what our purpose is while we are actually on this planet or is it just the before and after that we need answers to?  Is it for comfort?  Some people say religion is a crutch and I understand that metaphor, but I think it is more than that?  Just like science, the idea of god is here because humans need somewhere to place responsibility for what we do and experience on a daily basis.  What about the wars that we constantly fight with each other over religious beliefs?  Is there a question of why soldiers are killed?  We accept their deaths as having a purpose but they are still deaths none the less that could have been avoided if arguments about why we die, why we are here, where we came from and where will go, never were.  I understand not all wars are fought based on religious ideas, but the ones that are I can’t comprehend.

Now that I have gone all over the place, let me attempt to pull together what is going on in my head.

Those who spend their life trying to spread their religious beliefs to everyone as if they are the ultimate truth are missing the big picture.  Those who have a problem with people not believing in their God are missing the big picture.  The belief in something outside of yourself or this reality is an individual choice.  The problem is religion in our current day and society is much more than just a belief in God.  It is a commercial machine that pushes and pushes and pushes.  Islam and Christianity are at war over something that is completely human in nature.  We fight each other over documents that we have translated certain ways.  The guilt that religion puts on so many people on a daily basis is disgusting.  The key to a good healthy life is happiness.  That is what gives you determination to keep going every day.  If your happiness comes from your belief in God then that should be all you need.  When we introduce all these separating ideas into the mix, the belief in God becomes so much more.  For the human race to really thrive and continue to develop we should aim for something along the lines of pluralism.  Different religious groups should work together, but not to spread ideas about what god is better than another god, but to spread happiness and increase the quality of life on this planet.

Those who spend their life trying to make people stop believing in a god are missing the big picture.  Even though it is easy to discount certain writings and teachings because of their historical insignificance or the simple fact that some of the teachings are unbelievable, there is nothing wrong with believing in something higher than us or even that after our bodies have stopped living our mind may go on.  I know there are a lot of extremely religious people who live everyday of their life trying to spread whatever it is they believe, but that is the beauty of being an individual.  At the same time there are plenty of religious people who are just simply happy within themselves and don’t care whether or not you believe in their god.  Who is to say these people are wrong?  Taking the bible or other religious text literally word for word can be dangerous, but those who see these texts as a good starting point for living a good life shouldn’t be put in the same category.  The United States has a strong religious population and many of the teachings in those religions have shaped what I would believe is a pretty decent society.  Nothing or no one is perfect but to bash people for having a belief that makes them happy is the same as them calling you strange or wrong for not holding those beliefs.

Who can say which is right or wrong?  Nobody I know based on the way things are now will live forever.  Unless we are able to die and come back and share what happens after death, let’s leave those happenings to after death.  I can’t say parents shouldn’t raise their children with religious beliefs but at the same time, once we become adults we should allow other adults to decide for themselves what will allow them to live a happy life.

-X

First 30 minutes of Adobe Illustrator